REASSURANCE

I’ve got a secret, I have not been loving myself. I have not been giving Jae the true love she needs. I’ve been masking it with others’ reassurance.

People’s opinions of me have been what I’ve been living on. This is dangerous because if someone rejects me, if someone says something willingly or ignorantly, it can hurt me.

How can I let my fiance and family love me if I don’t love myself? I have done that to them. I have pushed people away. I have attempted subconsciously to push away my best friend and partner. I pushed him to his limit many times because I didn’t love myself.

I declare that I love Jae Bloom. I love the person I am. I love my flaws. I love my strengths. I love what I’ve done. I love my mistakes for what they’ve taught me. I love my accomplishments. I love what I’ve done for people in my life. I love the impact I have had on this world and will have.

I love Jae Bloom.

COMPARISON - THIEF OF JOY

Comparison is such a thief of joy. It can be a valuable tool, but it can also rob you of your own self worth and #MentalHealth. My relationships (family, friends and romantic) will not be like other people. My job won’t be like others. My hobbies won’t be like others. Who I am and how my brain operates is not like others. The more I realise that (this is to me) the more I begin to find my self worth and validate myself.

I need to find what works for me. I need to focus on me and me alone. I won’t be like anyone else and that is OK. I just need to keep living One Jae At A Time!

WHO IS THAT GIRL I SEE?

I just had a hair appointment (it’s getting so long!). As I’m walking into my flat, I see my reflection in the glass on my screen door. I stop and stare for a few and remark “Who is that girl I see?”. I have dreamed all my life of looking like this and I am finally seeing the person I dreamed of. 😭

ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS?

It’s one year today that I began the process of having an orchiectomy. It is the first surgery I went through for my gender-affirming care. I completed it in November and am now just paying off massive medical debt over it

One of the things that kept hurting was the amount of people who asked me if I was sure at doing my orchiectomy. The people, my own mom included, who said I was being impulsive at having this surgery.

I have known since I was 4 that I was a trans woman. I have grappled with it all my life. When Caitlyn Jenner made news, I thought I wanted to do that too. I don’t like her politics, but I admire her doing it despite so much backlash.

I didn’t begin my journey until 2020. I began hormones and my medical treatments on December 15th, 2020. Fun fact, that is my partner’s birthday and was just an amazing coincidence once I realised this when we began dating.

It took me a year of hormone replacement therapy, which I had to get approval to begin that, before I was allowed to begin surgery.

A year ago today I finally had my first consultation on my orchiectomy. For those who do not know what that is, I had my testicles removed. I had to wait for a long time to get this consultation booked. I booked it in January of 2022 after I got the referral from my endocrinologist in December of 2021.

I had to wait many long months and I had to do a bunch of thinking about whether I really wanted to do this surgery.

The appointment was incredibly scary and I remember telling my best friend, who is now my partner, that I was so scared. He and I had been talking through the implications of this. At the time we didn’t realise we would be spending our lives together, he was just someone I was talking to a lot. Like friends do. He talked to me to help make sure I was really ready. He asked good questions, but in a very caring way.

Once I had my consultation I had to undergo some therapy sessions to get a write-off for my insurance. These therapy sessions unfortunately were not covered by insurance and I estimate have cost me between $600-$1,000 out-of-pocket from two therapists. Because insurance didn’t want just one person. I had to put these on credit cards. Which has added to the debt that I am currently working through.

These sessions were very grueling and asked me a lot of tough questions. The therapists weren’t pushing me towards the surgery. They were affirming, but they many times asked me if I was ready. Every medical professional along the way was asking me if I was really ready. They all talked me through the implications of this surgery. I never felt pushed into this, if anything I had to prove I was ready.

I remember once the surgery date was set that I was incredibly scared. I was having some major second thoughts. Someone I know sent me a letter saying this was impulsive. I remember sitting with my partner crying and talking through this surgery while I was visiting with him in October.

I met with a friend of a friend who asked me some very difficult questions. He wanted me to make sure I wasn’t making the wrong decision. Now he wanted me to undergo thousands of hours of therapy (at a cost to me of course due to the healthcare system in this country), but I don’t think any further therapy would change what I knew. I was literally a week away.

The days and hours up to the surgery I was questioning whether I should do this. I thought long and hard again about this. I know the narrative is people are pushed into these surgeries, but the reality is we have to fight to have them.

Insurance, literally with a day to go, almost hadn’t approved it yet and I had to fight to call and get them to approve it.

The day of, the doctor talked it through with me again. My partner and I had some heart-to-heart talks that morning. As I was about to put on the anasthesia to fall asleep, I kept thinking of whether I wanted to do this. This was not an impulsive thing.

I woke up from the surgery and felt relieved that it had happened. I have not lost that sense of relief. I didn’t like the surgery due to the immense pain I was in for a few months following, but it was the right choice for me.

Just please I urge people to not spread the narrative that anyone who elects to undergo gender-affirming surgery surgery is being forced into it. We aren’t. We aren’t being impulsive. We’ve had to do a lot of work to get to this point. You might not realise how much we’ve had to do. But please maybe have a bit more empathy for us.

ASKING FOR HELP TO PAY OFF MEDICAL DEBT

I’ve been putting off doing this, but I have no choice except to ask for help regarding my medical debt and other debt I’ve accrued because of my transition. I’ve had gender affirming surgery as well as having to move out of my house and this has meant I’ve accrued a fair bit of debt.

I have setup a GoFundMe that I will use the funds to pay off my debt that I’ve accrued. gofund.me/5a8bb03f

MY VOICE

I have struggled with my voice a lot in my #trans journey. Here are some of my thoughts on my voice at this time in my life.

A TRANS LAMENT

You think I’m a monster, You think you know my life, You make policies to restrict people like me, You try to remove us from your world.

Maybe the real monster is you. Maybe you will realise the creativity you’ve lost in your world. Maybe you will one day realise how much you needed us.

We just want to exist, We just want to be us. I didn’t choose my life, My life chose me. Would I have wished for a hard life like this? No.

I may cry myself to sleep, Just like I am doing tonight as I write this. I may cry in front of my friends and family, Just like I did tonight. But I am happier than you will ever be. I know who I am. I seek to lift others up.

You may call me bitter, You may call me angry, But you made me bitter and angry. You made me exhausted. You made me who I am right now.

I will not let you keep me this way. My emotions right now will pass, I will one day not remember how you made me feel in this moment.

I ask you to please think about what your creator would think about what you are doing. Would your creator be happy that you made me feel this way? Would your creator be happy with how you’ve have treated one of their creations? How you used your religion as a holy crusade against the least of these? How you disrespected a child of God because you think you know your creator’s ways?

Please think about whether others will know you are a Christian by your love. Please ask yourself if you are treating me how you would like to be treated? Are you without sin? Can you cast the first stone?

I just want to sleep. I am about to nod off to sleep while crying, But I ask you to please just respect me. You don’t need to understand me. You don’t even need to like me. But I just want to be me, I just want to be Jae.

WHY AN ORCHIECTOMY?

I am now almost two weeks out from my orchiectomy as part of my trans affirming healthcare. I’ve had many people asking me why I went ahead with my surgery. Quite a few people were trying to convince me to not to do it. Imploring me that I will regret it.

Let me try and answer some of this.

My testicles have always been a rather, let’s just say, unpleasant part of my body. Something I wanted to change since I was very young. Seeing my testicles has caused me some major Dysphoria and made me feel ashamed of my body.

During my transition, I have been on a medicine called Spironolactone. This is being used to block the testosterone that my body produces in large quantities thanks to my testicular tissue. Without this medicine, I wouldn’t be able to see the effects of my estrogen in the same way as I have.

This medicine though has caused my sodium to go low, my potassium to go incredibly high and also caused some issues with my electrolyte levels. I also feel I may have been experiencing brain fog. Ultimately I wanted off this medicine.

There is also a little thing about testicles. They cause your penis to protrude out. Think of the balls as a little pillow that your dick rests on. With them, it is much more likely the penis will protrude. Thus causing some major Dysphoria.

I could’ve held off on doing this surgery until later. This surgery is part one of my bottom surgery, with the next being the turning of the penis into a vagina. I had many people suggest I hold off on doing this until that surgery.

When do I plan to do that surgery? It will be when I move in with my partner, because I don’t want to be experiencing the immense pain and recovery that surgery will entail without him around. This surgery has been painful enough without him. I stayed at my sister’s house for a bit. Even returning to work has been extremely painful.

So why did I not put off doing this surgery? Because frankly I wanted to be done with my testosterone production. I wanted off Spironolactone. I will be doing the second part of the surgery anyway, but I could stop my dick from having a hold on my hormones by doing this surgery now. The recovery, which I’m now two weeks into, will mean that for me I no longer have to be on Spironolactone. There is now no ticking time-clock for me to do surgery to stop this hormone that rages in my body. I am free of Spironolactone and have been free since the morning of my surgery!

Will I regret this? Regret is such a funny thing. People ask this when it’s not something they want to do. Think of something you did that was life-changing and made your life better—then imagine being asked won’t you regret it? There is a risk to everything. Life is a dance that has a risk. If we don’t do things simply because of a chance of regret, we may never end up living the fulfilled life we desire.

I don’t regret what I did. I regret the pain it put me in, but it’s temporary. But the fact I am no longer on Spironolactone is amazing. My penis doesn’t bulge out like it did before. I also have a feeling, I can’t quite describe it, where I just seem to process things better. I don’t know how to describe it, but I am happy. Maybe it’s the effects of having less gender Dysphoria. I don’t know. But I don’t regret it.

So why an orchiectomy? Because I wanted to finally live One Jae At A Time and maybe live that Jae just a little bit happier.

U R A MAN

U R A Man — The Common Rebuttal of my haters

I constantly get told that I am a man. That I will never be a woman. That because of my Adam’s Apple or my broad shoulders that I will never be a woman. Even about what’s in my pants — and let me tell you very few have ever seen it. Only those who need to see it either medically or for sex will ever see it. Plus, I’m choosing one day to remove it so then you won’t have to worry about what’s in my pants, because god forbid a woman has a penis.

My question to you is WHY do you care to call me a man? Why do you spend your days going after me? Don’t you have better things to do with your life? Sure, I identified as a man because of the penis that evolution put onto my body. That still doesn’t make me any less of a woman. I know I’m a woman because of who I was when I was 4.

There are people you classify as women based on having a uterus or having breasts, many of them who are men/non-binary/genderfluid/agender, etc. Do you think about the women who are women who you toss aside because they might look more like what you think a man looks like? I’ve seen you claim some people are trans, who are in fact cis women. Being a woman is not based on a specific look or appearance or a part of the body.

I do not know why you continue to insist I’m a man. I don’t know what you get from using a phrase that is a factual lie. There are numerous studies about science, unless I’m going to guess you are anti-science (which knowing some of you who are anti-vaxxers and anti-masker and COVID deniers are probably anti-Science), that show that being trans is normal and valid and something that happens.

I guess I just want to end by saying “You are an asshole” if you continue to call me a man. If you continue to cause me harm by claiming I’m something that I’m not. Being an asshole sure doesn’t sound like fun, but some of you excel at it.